


Everything

by orphan_account



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Depictions of Abuse, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pearl origins, character study with plot, lots of headcanons, maybe there will be more chapters to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-12 23:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11172657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: At first, there is nothing.And then, there is everything.Pearl's beginnings.





	1. Chapter 1

At first, there is nothing.

 

Nothing but the darkness that surrounds her like the cool water, like the hard shell of something that feels as alive as she is. 

 

At first, there is nothing. 

 

And then, there is  _ everything.  _

 

Light, blinding on her eyes that have never seen. A voice, booming against her ears that have never heard. 

 

“Lovely…” 

 

She is turned over in the hand that holds her, the palm that’s twice the size that she is. Inspecting her. 

 

She wonders, what would happen to her if she was not as ‘lovely’ as expected?

 

The very tip of a finger gently, so gently, brushes against something hard imbedded in her forehead. Something she sees reflected on the head of the one who holds her. 

 

“A lovely pearl. My pearl.”

 

She understands so little about the consciousness that has been thrust upon her so suddenly, but if this being calls her ‘mine’, it must be true. 

 

On instinct, she bows, the hard something pressing against soft white flesh. 

 

She uses her voice for the first time.

 

“Yours.”

 

* * *

 

For a long time, she is Pearl’s world. 

 

Her Diamond, she learns. The one who gave her a life, a name, a purpose. The one she owes her existence to.

 

She could serve her for all of her unending life, and it would not repay the debt she owes to her. 

 

Still, she tries. She is Her Diamond’s constant companion, never more than a few steps behind Her. She stands quietly until she is needed, and follows every order exactly as given. 

 

She learns what pleases Her Diamond, and what angers Her. What will make Her bring Pearl to sit on her lap and say sweet things to her, and what will make Her kick her to the floor. 

 

She learns that she is fundamentally  _ less than _ , that Her Diamond holds her in Her hands just as much as She did in the beginning. Every moment of her life is  _ owned  _ by Her. 

 

Pearl is owned by Her. 

 

This doesn’t bother her. Standing in the shadow of such greatness is a privilege that Pearl alone can lay claim to. Someone as magnificent as  _ Her  _ sees her as useful. As beautiful. As being  _ worth  _ owning. 

 

How could she ever complain about that?

 

* * *

 

A Diamond is designed to conquer. 

 

It is the natural order of the universe, and Pearl does not question it, because Her Diamond is perfect and everything She does is perfect. If She desires every world in the vast cosmos, it should be Hers. There could be no better leader out there, not on any planet around any star. She is light and power and  _ everything.  _

 

She is everything there is, and everything there could ever be. 

 

But even so, an empire cannot be built on the back of one. An empire grows and prospers and multiplies. 

 

Yellow Diamond and Blue Diamond enter the universe as twins. 

 

Pearl is at Her Diamond’s side when they emerge from the ground like the act itself is a glorious victory (not plucked from the water like Pearl was, but she doesn’t ask why because she doesn’t have the right to answers). They are new and bright and shining with the same excellence that lives in Her, the gems in their chests pulsing with light as if they sprung to life knowing their destiny. 

 

They are Diamonds, but Pearl  _ knows  _ that there will never be another like  _ Her  _ Diamond. 

 

* * *

 

Her Diamond planted the trees that were Yellow and Blue Diamond, and they immediately began to spread the seeds. 

 

Every day gems were born from the ground, each with a role and each with a desire to serve. 

 

They were all born from the ground, until two more lives were brought forth from the oceans. 

 

And as Her Diamond taught Yellow and Blue Diamond how to lead, Pearl taught their pearls how to serve. 

 

Suddenly, she is a teacher. A mentor. Pearl recognizes herself in them, these gems so singularly devoted but with so much to learn. Things that she had to figure out on her own. 

 

It didn’t sink in how terrifying that had been until she looked into the nervous eyes of these newborn pearls, and felt thankful that they had someone to guide them. 

 

“Back straight,” She chides Yellow, pressing her hand against her spine to guide her into a proper bow. “Your Diamond deserves perfection, doesn’t she?” 

 

“I  _ am  _ doing it right,” Yellow mumbles, but straightens out anyway. Pearl frowns. Hopefully she doesn’t use the same mouth when she speaks to Yellow Diamond. 

 

Blue is more reserved than Yellow. Less sure of herself. Always asking, “Did I do that right?” After coming out of a pirouette, needing confirmation that her leg is flawlessly straight when in arabesque. Pearl is pretty sure it has something to do with the bangs that are always covering her eyes, but that was how Blue Diamond wanted her, so that’s how she is forced to be. 

 

Sometimes, Pearl takes the liberty of brushing her hair to the side, knowing Blue would never do it for herself. She uncovers one of her eyes and lets her see her posture for herself. It always brings a smile to her face, and seeing it makes Pearl smile, too. 

 

She never realized how  _ rarely  _ she smiled before.

 

Pearl will never - can never - devote herself more to anyone than she does to Her Diamond, but being around Blue and Yellow feels  _ good _ . It feels good to be around someone your own size, your own status. Someone who doesn’t look down on you, literally or metaphorically. 

 

When she is with them, they call her by a new name: White. It’s easier this way - they are all Pearl, after all. Still ‘White’ sounds so much different coming from the mouths of Blue and Yellow than the name ‘Pearl’ does. When she is called Pearl, it sounds like someone is speaking the name of a tool, an object. A thing. She loves being called White because it sounds like the name of a friend. She loves saying the names Blue and Yellow because there is no need to bow her head, to address them formally as her superiors. 

 

Although she is the teacher, they are equals. 

 

She can never say how much she enjoys this time with Yellow and Blue, because she was not made to  _ enjoy  _ anything beyond serving Her Diamond. She was not made to feel anything or do anything that wasn’t necessary for meeting Her Diamond’s commands. She was made for Her. By Her.

 

She has to start reminding herself of this.

 

* * *

 

 

_ My Diamond is perfect.  _

 

She tells herself this when she’s being  _ screamed  _ at, words sharp enough to cut through her thin body. 

 

_ Everything she does is perfect.  _

 

She tells herself this when Her Diamond calls her useless, a mistake, a pathetic bit of mollusk scum. 

 

_ She deserves perfection.  _

 

She tells herself this when she is held against the wall by the same hand that pulled her from the ocean. 

_ I deserve this.  _

 

She tells herself this when she is dropped, hands flying to cover her gem just before she hits the floor. 

 

_ This is my fault.  _

 

She tells herself this when Her Diamond tells her to get out of Her sight, grabbing her by the arm and tossing her to the side as if she were nothing. 

 

_ I  _ am  _ nothing.  _

 

She tells herself this when she follows the one order she wishes Her Diamond would never give her. 

 

_ I am nothing without Her.  _

 

* * *

 

Bruises and scrapes are hard to hide when her skin is as pale as her owner’s, when her leotard only covers so much and the rest of her outfit is made of ruffled tulle. 

 

“White… what happened?” Blue asks every time she sees her after a particularly violent outburst. Her voice is so sweet, it  _ hurts  _ to hear it contorted with concern. 

 

“Oh, nothing!” Pearl waves her away each time. “It was just an accident, these things happen.”

 

Blue, who has never come to them with any kind of mark, who doesn’t shy away from touches, backs away. 

 

Yellow, however, isn’t as easily fooled. Nor does she fool Pearl when she is so careful to keep her stocklings pulled high, covering as much of her thighs as she can. When she has a habit of covering her gem any time voices get too loud, or a movement made too fast. 

 

The look shared between them is one of understanding. 

 

Pearl drills into them how to present themselves. How to sing. How to dance. How to speak only when you are spoken to. To keep your head bowed unless directed otherwise. To anticipate their Diamond’s every desire, and fill it before it is even voiced. 

 

She can’t protect them from their Diamond’s anger any more than she can protect herself, but if she teaches them well enough, maybe they won’t have to face it so often. 

 

It’s the only thing she can do for them. 

 

They’ve already taught her what it means to like something, and now, they’ve taught her what it means to  _ hate  _ something. 

 

* * *

 

Yellow and Blue Diamond grow, starting colonies of their own, and Pearl sees so much less of the others. 

 

There is still time, still conferences that go on for hours, but it isn’t the same as it was before. Now, they are not sent off for Pearl to give them lessons. They are expected to stand in a line, hands still and attention on their Diamonds, their lives lived between one order and the next. 

 

Sometimes, when the Diamonds are too absorbed in their conversation to pay much mind to the servants, Blue’s hand reaches out to her, just a little. Pearl brushes her fingers against Blue’s, the most affection they can risk giving each other. Sometimes, when their voices are loud enough to fill the room, they can whisper in their voices that are so tiny by comparison. 

 

_ ‘How are you?’ _

 

_ ‘Are you okay?’ _

 

_ ‘I missed you.’  _

 

Sometimes, when it’s time for them to part ways, there is a moment of hesitation, Blue looking at her through her curtain of hair, a silent  _ ‘I wish I didn’t have to go.’  _

 

It’s only ever a moment, because Blue Diamond would notice any longer. 

 

Pearl can’t be sure if Her Diamond notices or not. 

 

* * *

 

Space is so  _ beautiful.  _

 

There are stars and galaxies with spiral arms reaching impossibly far. Planets where things grow, where life forms naturally, where there are colors that aren’t white, or yellow, or blue. For a little while, at least. Until the Diamonds capture it for their own, stripping away the vibrance until the little world is as cold and sterile as their home. 

 

Their empire spreads, and Pearl is at Her Diamond’s side to see every step it takes.

 

She just wishes she didn’t have to spend so much of their travels with her head bowed, staring at the ground. 

 

* * *

 She doesn’t _understand._

 

She knew, she’s always known, that Her Diamond is someone who will always tower over her in importance, that she was an insignificant speck in comparison to Her. 

 

All of them are. Every gem is created to serve them, just like she was.

 

She doesn’t understand why she is less than any of  _ them.  _ Why it matters so much that they wear armor and she wears a leotard. Why it matters so much that they came from the ground, and she came from the water.

 

Agates sneer at her and speak to her as if she were something dumb, they give orders to her in the absence of Her Diamond and she is expected to follow them. She is forbidden from looking them in the eye, from speaking to them unless they give her permission to. 

 

_ ‘You serve Her, too.’  _ She wants to tell them. 

 

_ ‘I’m the one who is always with Her.’ _

 

_ ‘She trusts  _ none of you  _ more than She trusts  _ me.’ 

 

_ ‘She created me before any of you were even thought of. She needed me before she needed  _ any of you.’ 

 

_ ‘I’ve seen Her  _ break  _ gems like you. But She would never break me.’ _

 

She thinks these even when the other gems laugh that Pearls have no thoughts of their own. 

 

Pearl learns another emotion. 

 

She’s seen anger before, felt it’s sharp sting and known to fear it. 

 

She never imagined how fiercely it burns when it’s coming from inside herself. 

 

* * *

 

 

She and Yellow work together, polishing and dusting the massive hall of artifacts. 

 

They sing as they work, like they did when Pearl was still teaching them to hold notes. Yellow rolls her eyes and tells her, “I’m not  _ new  _ any more.”

 

“You still feel new to me,” Pearl answers warmly. “Besides, I like singing with you. If you want to.”

 

So they sing, creating songs of their own in tandem the way only a set of Pearls can. 

 

Until their song is cut with a crunch and a  _ snap.  _

 

Yellow stands still with fear, holding the broken halves of a priceless relic she had gripped too hard. Little tremors start to course through her, and she looks at Pearl with eyes wide.

 

The treasure is worth more than either of them. Breaking it won’t be forgiven without punishment. 

 

Pearl doesn’t need to think before she decides what to do. 

 

“Go,” She eases the broken artifact from her hands. “Go find your Diamond, tell her you finished here. I’ll tell them I did this.”

 

“White….”

 

“Go,  _ now _ .”

 

Her tone conveys what her words don’t. 

 

That she would rather be hit than see Yellow hurt. 

 

Yellow stands still for a moment, still shaking a little, before she turns and does as she’s told. 

 

* * *

 

 

That night, Her Diamond punishes her until she can’t hold her physical form any more, until she retreats into her gem to remake herself. 

 

In this stasis, there are no Diamonds, no Agates, no rules and no hierarchy. There is only her, and her thoughts. 

 

The one thing she can’t stop thinking, the one thing she has never thought before, stays with her long after she has reformed at Her Diamond’s feet. 

 

_ ‘What if things didn’t have to be this way?’ _


	2. Chapter 2

What most gems don’t notice is that even when a pearl is told to stand quietly, her every moment is a conversation with her owner. _Especially_ if her owner is a Diamond.

 

She keeps her hands folded in front of her when Her Diamond’s back is turned to her.

 

_If you need nothing from me, I will do nothing._

 

She brings them to her waist if part of Her Diamond’s face is visible to her, balled into loose fists and leaning into a shallow bow.

 

_I am waiting, if you need me._

 

If Her Diamond is facing her, she rests her hands on her chest.

 

_You are the light. You are my light._

 

She bows deeply when Her Diamond addresses her directly, when she’s presenting Her with an item She requested, when She walks by her.

 

There are hundreds of different postures, all of them meaning a different kind of worship for her master. In this way, a pearl is in a constant state of dance.

 

It’s purpose is two fold. All of her attention must always be on Her Diamond, leaving no room in her mind for anything else. Exactly as it _should_ be.

 

But ever since that thought - that dangerous thought of _more_ \- all Pearl wants is some time alone to _think._

 

* * *

 

 

The Gem elites gather, albeit rarely. Painite, Red Beryl, Larimar. The Diamond’s inner circle.

 

And when the elites gather, it means their pearls do too.

 

They stand in a perfect string outside the door, Pearl at the front, Yellow and Blue beside her. Lined up in accordance to their owner’s rankings. Silent. Hands still. The way a pearl should.

 

It’s maddening how many things they do because it’s the way pearls should do them.

 

It’s even more maddening to realize that all those years, when their empire was only Her Diamond and her pearl, when she was fumbling through her way of learning what being a pearl _meant,_ that she had a part in deciding these things. She set expectations for the others she didn’t know would come after her.

 

They’re intimidated by her, Pearl notices. White Diamond’s pearl. The oldest pearl. She’s the picture of beauty and grace, and the newer ones try to copy her posture exactly. Almost always looking a little bit too stiff.

 

There’s some fear there. They’re scared of her. Of them, really. The Diamond’s pearls. They could report them if they wanted to, for daring to step a single foot out of line.

 

“Oh, please,” Pearl says when she spots a red pearl leaning over to cast a nervous glance in her direction. “I’m not going to bother my Diamond with the actions of another gem’s pearl.”

 

Her scoff might sound harsher than intended, but it’s the way of communication for pearls. Saying what they’re expected to, when meaning something different. In the language of pearls, brushing misdeeds off as unimportant becomes a promise to secrecy.

 

No two pearls are exactly the same color, the same shade, and after they hear the Diamond’s pearls call each other by their less formal names, it catches on.

 

_Lilac._

 

_Crimson._

 

_Mint._

 

_Sky._

 

It becomes a ritual to share their names with each other, passed down the line until none of them are strangers. They name the nervous new pearls together, sometimes bickering over _exactly_ which shade of purple she is, but the name they come to is always accepted with gratitude. Perhaps, the only gift the pearl will ever be given.

 

When one of them disappears with no explanation other than the innate knowledge that they will never be back, they whisper her name down the line the same as they share the names of the living.

 

_Blush is gone._

 

_Peach must have been shattered…. Her Tourmaline never did have much patience….._

 

_I heard Ash got passed off to someone else. Lower ranking._

 

It’s a bitter truth that she and Yellow and Blue are the only pearls that will never change. The others live or die by the whims of their owners, or else are gifted along or sold off if their owner has a little mercy in them. A Diamond’s pearl is the only kind that never needs replacing. Once, Pearl had thought that was because of love. That it meant Her Diamond cared for her. Needed her.

 

Now, she sees it differently.

 

How could such a great leader admit to Her followers that She couldn’t even manage to tame a simple pearl?

 

Nobody remembers the other pearls. The ones their owners never allowed any identity outside of ‘pearl’, but was made an individual by her own kind. Pearl vows to remember all of them. Every name, every story. The ones she’s met, and the ones she has only heard of the destruction of.

 

Nobody remembers pearls. But they will remember each other.

 

* * *

 

 

Life was easier before.

 

Maybe not better, but definitely easier.

 

Pearl wishes she had stayed as content as she has always been. Content to serve Her Diamond. Content with the moments she got to spend with Blue and Yellow. Happy with her place in the world, or at the very least, ignorant enough not to question it.

 

Back when she could agree with, _“The only bliss a pearl knows is through her service.”_

 

Her life wasn’t better, by any means.

 

But it was easier.

 

* * *

 

 

Sometimes, she feels something boiling inside her, something she had no words to explain. Anger is the only emotion she knows that feels this hot, but that isn’t this. It twists and burns in her and threatens to spill over, making her hands tremble and her mind race, making her clench her eyes shut as if it would hold back the flood. It so rarely does.

 

She is fortunate that she can contain herself until she is out of Her Diamond’s presence. Until she can hide herself away somewhere and unleash this _awfulness_. To cry and shake and claw at herself until her nails leave tracks. Until she feels spent, the pressure deflated. Bearable until it begins to crush her again.

 

These breakdowns are her secret until one day, when the Diamonds are in conference, discussing matters they have deemed important enough that even the pearls must be sent out to wait for them by the door.

 

Yellow and Blue are chatting casually, sharing stories from their respective colonies, but Pearl stands quietly. Chest starting to heave. It comes so suddenly this time, and there is _nothing_ she can do to repress it.

 

“I’m sorry,” she gasps before bolting, running to the alcove that she has come to think of as her spot. Her place to ride out these episodes in privacy.

 

Except privacy eludes her this time.

 

They approach her quietly,  and she jumps and scrambles away when she feels a hand on her arm.

 

“Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Blue apologizes.

 

Pearl struggles to breathe evenly, trying to calm herself enough to talk.

 

Yellow speaks before she has the chance. “White, what’s the matter?”

 

“I… I don’t… _know_ ,” Her voice pitches high and her voice is cut with a sob, the tears she had been trying to hold back falling now.

 

They sit in silence while Pearl breaks, none of them knowing what to do or what to say.

 

Time seems to pass differently for Pearl during these attacks, and she wonders if enough time has gone by for their Diamonds to realize they’ve abandoned their post. The horror of the thought sends another shudder through her, another wave of tears.

 

Yellow puts her hand on her shoulder, slowly enough this time to not startle her. “White, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let you… do that thing for me. You haven’t been the same since you reformed.”

 

“I’m _not_ the same. I don’t know how… I don’t know what it is… but… do you ever wish we could be like everyone else?”

 

“What do you mean? Like everyone else?”

 

“ _Free!_ Not someone’s _property!_ ”

 

Yellow is quiet for a long moment, the hand on her shoulder becoming a grip. “You can’t say things like that.”

 

“ _Why?_ Why can’t we just say what we think?”

 

“Because that’s not. Our. Job.” Yellow enunciates each word clearly, firmly. “ _You’re_ the one that taught us that.”

 

Pearl’s voice is quiet and hollow, raw from her crying. “I think I might have been wrong.”

 

Yellow is silent for another minute, thinking. Pearl hopes, _so much_ , that her thinking will lead her to agreement, or at the very least, understanding.

 

Like always, she is disappointed.

 

“Whatever _this_ is, you need to pull yourself together. We all have a role here. You have to remember yours.” Her voice has more authority in it than Pearl has ever heard from one of her kind.

 

Yellow leans in close to Pearl’s ear, volume dropping to a whisper, “You’re scaring Blue.”

 

True to her words, when Pearl looks in Blue’s direction, her hands are clasped over her mouth. Pearl hates that those horrible bangs keeps her from seeing the expression in her eyes.

 

She sinks against the wall of the alcove, letting Yellow’s words roll through her mind as if they can make it clean and pure again. Takes Blue’s hand in her own, needing to reassure her.

 

“I’m sorry. I’ll… try. I’ll try to get over this. I promise.”

 

 _‘For you two,’_ she adds in her mind.

 

Blue squeezes her hand, tranquility returning to her face. “Thank you.”

 

Pearl sits back and looks at them. These two pearls she was trusted with and told to make perfect. Told to make servants. Told to make slaves. The only two in the world she could truly call her friends. The only two she could love without a hint of fear.

 

_Oh, how I’ve failed you._

 

* * *

 

 Her thoughts must be edited.

 

She catches herself anytime she finds her mind wandering, returning it squarely to Her Diamond. Her Diamond, she thinks. Her lustrous, brilliant, radiant Diamond. Her creator. Her owner. Her everything.  

 

If she repeats these things to herself enough, eventually they must become the truth.

 

Yes, Blue and Yellow were right. This is her life. The one she was chosen to live. It will never change. There will never be anything different. She will serve Her Diamond until eternity somehow runs out.

 

To torment herself with ideas of anything else would only bring her unnecessary suffering.

 

Names are passed down the line.

 

_Charcoal was broken._

 

Pearl forces herself, _makes herself_ , think that it wouldn’t have happened if she had served her master well enough. That the pearl with a laugh like bells and a curious glint to her eyes would still be here, if it weren’t for her own shortcomings.

 

This is how it must be. Or even she will be just a name, whispered as if she has become a secret.

 

What would happen to Blue and Yellow if she wasn’t here?

 

No, she stops herself.

 

Edits.

 

What would happen to Her Diamond if she wasn’t here?

 

In the language of pearls, maybe even lies can become the truth.

 

* * *

 

 “Come here, Pearl.”

 

Her Diamond holds Her hand to the floor, and Pearl steps into it just as she has so many times. Gracefully, as if this hand did not hold the memory of so much pain. 

 

Her Diamond sets her on Her lap just like she did when Pearl was young. When they were both young. Before other gems. Colonies. Expansion.

 

When she _lived_ for these moments.

 

 _You still live for these moments,_ she reminds herself.

 

“My first creation,” Her Diamond tells her, dragging her smallest finger along Pearl’s back. “My first, beautiful creation.”

 

Pearl can’t help herself this time from wondering how the same Gem can have such vastly different sides. This one, who treats her so gently, and the one that hisses insults and savagely beats her.

 

Then she thinks of herself. Serving so dutifully, never letting slip that it’s a forced act.

 

Perhaps they are not so different.

 

“A new sun is about to rise on our empire, Pearl. Tell me… does this excite you?”

 

“Yes, my Diamond,” she plays her part perfectly.

 

Some of it, though, doesn’t need to be forced. Their colonies are so numerous at this point, the herald of a new one is hardly notable. It has become a pilgrimage from one star system to the next. Predictable. Nothing worth asking the opinion of a _pearl_ over.

 

She’s intrigued.

 

She _is_ excited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read and enjoyed the first chapter of this story! I've never written for Steven Universe before and have been out of the fanfiction game in general for awhile, so your wonderful comments were great to read. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too! Feel free to leave some feedback if you feel there's something I could improve on.


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